I have posts that hit my facebook wall that question the silence in society around stillbirth.
Right after my baby Steve died all I could think about was him, the pregnancy, my loss, over and over. For almost a year I would process the loss in my head. It took a very very very long time to stop the cycle. I would wake up in the morning and start the grieving process. I would often have to write my feelings down, or cry, or talk to an understanding person before I could move on with the day. Then there were triggers - everywhere!
Babies born alive, boy babies, casual things said in everyday conversation. It was ridiculous how sensitive grief makes a person. Not BAD just so crazy sensitive. I would say that grief changes mental health. Anyway -
Eventually there were less triggers. Eventually I felt less of a need to talk about him and grief and stillbirth. I felt the desire to be happy and to be normal again. I worked through my grief. My blog is a testament to that work. The grief work was hard but worth it. I feel mostly normal now (21 months later).
SO back to the initial question. "WHY does no one talk about stillbirth?"
Well strictly based on my own experience- BECAUSE it hurts.
It hurts like nothing else.
I can mention it (stillbirth, baby steve) or answer questions but I will pay for the conversation later. I would say it (grief/sadness for baby steve) is like a crippling scab. It never fully heals. When I say I will pay for it later I mean that I will have to grieve my baby again. Its like picking at a scab a little to much and it starts to bleed or exposes the sensitive skin underneath (or in my case the overwhelming sadness). Inevitably I will carry the sadness with me after a conversation about baby Steve and have to process it.
Processing it now looks like asking myself the questions:
- what would my baby Steve look like now?
- how would he fit in our family
- would I have Spencer?
- what milestones would he be at?
- what would I be like as a mom had he lived?
- how would my relationship with my husband be different?
- would I have done anything different had I been prepared for his dealth?
- would it have hurt any more had he lived for a little while longer then died?
And millions of other little questions that will never be answered.
There are other reasons that are not as important to me for not to talk about stillbirth.
- I feel like bad luck around pregnant moms
- I don't like making others feel like they have to other some "helpful" advice
- I hate "at least" statements ie. "at least it was not your first," "at least you know that you will be able to raise him after you die" etc. etc.
So I guess I should break the silence around stillbirth for the sake of those who are still in their heavy grief. I guess I can manage a little bit of pain so others in the first months of excruciating pain will have their loads lightened slightley.
My only advice is that when talking to bereaved parents of stillborn babies is let them lead. Take their cues. Everyone is different. Maybe in 20 years it won't hurt at all. Maybe then I can break the silence around stillbirth and not suffer the consequence of resurfacing pain each time I speak my dead baby's name.
