Media

Our friend was killed in an avalanche last weekend. I have been resisting as hard as possible reading the comments that follow the online articles about the incident but they seem to glare at me out of the computer screen. What amazes me is how impossibly cruel people can be when they don't know the person, or all of the facts. Our friend was not being reckless - in fact he was on his way to help a friend whose snow machine was stuck. He was an amazing person, caring, kind, generous, funny and one heck of a great father. The world is a poorer place for losing him.
If I were in charge I would reach through the computer and shake the ignorant pricks so hard that their brains would fall out.
I am angry this has happened to someone of such incredible worth. Shame on the fools for using his death as a soapbox for cruelty. Have some compassion A-holes.

Drs appt

I was told today that losing my baby was "bad luck." Placenta abruption can happen at anytime and it probably won't happen to me again. The man who told me this was an Obstetrician.  Well Mr Bad luck, you can bend over and take it up the tail pipe. I am not okay with probability. My son was probably going to live too. Sometimes doctors play God. I am not okay with having my future children being subject to whatever luck happens to be present the days I go into labor with them.
Women all over North American get C-sections for reasons less than a previous stillbirth. Why does my doctor think that it is okay to wait and see what happens. How the hell are you going to get a baby whose placenta is abrupting from Unit 25 on the 2nd floor to the operating room which is in the basement before he dies? Riddle me that Dr Bad Luck. You are full of sh$t.
Thanks for nothing.

So this morning I woke up with flashbacks of labor and finding out my baby is dead. I have fought with my head for most of the day and I finally feel as though I have beat the anxious pit in the bottom of my stomach. Yesterday was wonderful. I woke up well rested and Anne and I played all day. I would say that I have flashbacks 3 of 5 mornings. It can sour the day for me emotionally if I can't clear the bad thoughts. I know that Anne can sense it. I withdraw from her a little - just in the sense of not talking as much and not singing with her.
It is hard to explain but it is like climbing out of a hole. It is like reliving the stages grief each morning although not to the same extreme as 8 months ago. I hope this goes away eventually. It makes it really hard to be optimistic about the future. I want to be able to have a daily positive outlook and a renewed hope for the future. Some times I think to myself - I don't want this life. I don't want this life where my child is absent. Every child is unique and different and I could have a million more children and never replace him. How am I supposed to get to a point where I am at peace with this loss? How is it possible to be a peace when you have to relive the emotional trauma alone in your head during your early waking hours? 
Unless you have had to give birth to a dead baby it is probably difficult to understand how out of control this sort of situation makes a mother feel. For 9 months you put so much effort into helping a new life grow and then it is abruptly, violently, cut short. There is no reward for your work, the time is lost. It is almost like you were never pregnant. As life continues people will forget about your tragedy. Part of my life will have disappeared forever.

I will never forget. My head and heart won't let me.

so irritated

Yesterday was talking to someone about someone (gossip yes I know). Anyway this person referred to another who had recently suffered a medical misfortune. Not super serious but enough to be concerned about. SO anyway the person I was talking to said that a fourth person had suggested that the person who had the misfortune had it because she chose to work on a Sunday. Normally I would scoff at such a comment and continue on my way. How dumb -There are millions of people who work on Sundays. Why are they not all sick?
The reason this comment has stuck with me is because if someone was punished for a perceived sin by having a medical misfortune what the HELL am I being punished for? I hate how hard it is to understand life and church doctrine. There does not seem to be sense to anything.
Lately I have been trying to figure out why bad thing happen to good people. At church we are told that nothing comes into our life that is not for our ultimate good. We read the bible which has examples of people who suffer for their "sins." 
I think we interpret all kinds of crap to mean whatever suits us. 
My therapist says that people look for reason that bad things happen to others so they can take precautions to avoid similar situations in their own lives. She is the only person who has made logical sense to me regarding this matter.
Next time you think you know "why" something bad happened think before you speak. Chances are you have no idea.