Grief is sneaky. 

 

Today I gave away a little tykes cozy coupe - a ride in car - that I bought specifically for a little boy who didn’t live. I bought the car on what would have been his first birthday with the promise that I would see his siblings enjoy it and have a glimpse of what he might have grown into. When I bought it I was 6 months pregnant with the little boy’s younger brother. They would have been 15 months apart. 

 

It is now ten years since my baby boy who didn’t live was born. Three more little boys have played with that car along with their older sister. Although it gives me joy that I got to watch the car be played with I realize more and more that each of my little people is unique and none of them can replace the boy I lost just as they could not be replaced by someone else. 

 

My youngest is now five years old. He is ready for bigger things. I was so happy to watch the delight on the face of the little boy who received the 10 year old car. I’m sure my little boy would be happy that the car will continue to be played with. I hope it is played with until it wears out. 

 

I don’t have many things that belong to my little boy who didn’t live. I have photos from the hospital, a blanket his auntie made for him, a few stuffed animals that I made for him, the teddy bear we received at the hospital and a newborn outfit I bought for him before he was born. 

 

Watching the car go home with someone else made my heart ache and swell at the same time. We have such a short time with these small people and I now appreciate it so much more than I did as I lived through it. I think grief will catch me now more often as I have a bit more time on my own and my children are continuing to grow. Every year takes me further from the baby stage. That stage was where I left my first little boy. 

 

Even though he will be ten this year I still think of him as my baby but at the same time I can sometimes envision him running with my other children. 

 

It is strange what brings on grief. My husband read me a question off of a Facebook meme “if you were in a room with everyone you have ever met in your life who would you immediately gravitate to?” He looked at me and said that his first thought was me but then he thought - no he knows me pretty well. My husband said he would find our baby who didn’t live. I told him that I had the same thought. 

 

Then I thought - I met our baby the day he was born but he didn’t get to see me. He doesn’t know what I look like. 

 

He never opened his eyes. That made me cry a bit. 

The only good thing that comes out of this sadness is that I was stubborn enough to get to our number. We wanted four children. I gave birth to five so that I could have four. 

I miss my little boy who didn’t live and I wish he did live. I’m glad I didn’t give up. I’m glad I fought my way through three more pregnancies and deliveries and baby stages. I wish I didn’t miss the last ten years with my baby and I wish I could watch him grow up.