On your birthday...

Last year.
630 - 11pm June 20 -felt rhythmic cramping that we thought was the beginnings of labour. They started and stopped a few times so we just waited and went to bed.
330am felt a strong labour contraction and a strange "rushing" sensation but nothing else happened
530am my husband rolls over and looks at me and asks "any more contractions?" I answer "no"
I check for Baby Steve's heartbeat with the stethoscope
I cant find it
My husband says "lets go to the clinic and see if we can find it with the doppler"
I poke baby and have a drink of juice to wake him up.
no response
I get up to go pee and my water breaks.
the toilet is full of blood.
My husband yells at me to get in the car we have to go to the hospital now.
I grab a towel to protect the car as blood is gushing out of me.
We drive 160km to the hospital and all I can think of is I just left my 19 month old in her crib in our house by herself. Thank goodness she is asleep
We leave the car outside of the hospital entrance
We walk as quickly as possible to Unit 25. Blood is still gushing
The nurse puts me in the assessment room on a cot.
She puts the monitor on my belly.
There is no heartbeat. She looks in my face and says "let me try the Doppler"
No heartbeat
They stick an internal monitor inside and poke baby Steve in the head. They get my heart beat.
I ask my husband if my baby is dead. He says "don't say that"
The OB on call comes in with a bedside ultrasound.
She says "i am sorry your baby has passed away."
I can see on the ultrasound that his placenta has pulled away from the wall of my uterus
I hear my husband's grandfather come in and hear the OB. He put his hand on his face and started to cry.
I ask my husband if I am going to die too. He just looks at me.
The doctor and nurses prepare for a post-pardum hemorrhage.
My contractions that began after my water broke are getting stronger.
They wheel me to a labour room.
my baby is born at 837am
He is dead. He looks like me
He has dark hair and long skinny finger nails.
He is 7 pounds even.
I give him to his daddy and say "you name him, i can't."
The rest of the day passes in a blur for me.
The hospital volunteer took photos
Friends visited
His family came and held him.
His older sister gave him a kiss and said "brother."
I cried
a lot
I held him
we left him
at 9pm I went home without my baby.