Today I feel as unsettled as the weather of late. We seem to be have nice a run of hot days and then evening thunder storms.
I am excited because each day that goes by brings me closer to meeting this little baby. I have so many hopes for him and I am feeling very maternal. However I can feel building pressure and anxiety that is harder and harder to keep in check. We seem to be having a "run" of babies in our church community. There were two in the last couple of weeks and my husband has a lady in labour as I write this. He has two more before I am to be induced in 4 weeks. I was also told about someone very close to me who has just found out that she is expecting.
I am very scared right now that I am going have to go through the compounding grief and agony of losing this baby after having already lost a baby. I am sick with fear that I am going to watch other women I am close to continue to have healthy living babies for the rest of my life and I am going to feel only pain.
I have no faith that things are going to work out just because they should.
I found out my sister-in-law is pregnant yesterday. She's been trying since we started trying for Finley, so it's been a long time coming for her. When I was pregnant I so hoped she'd get pregnant soon too so that we could do things together and Finley would grow up with his cousin. But now Finley is dead and she's pregnant and I'm scared that once the new baby comes that everyone will forget that actually Finley was the first grandchild.
ReplyDeleteSomebody told me that things always work out how they should, but that isn't always in line with how they think they should be. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but all we can do is try and have hope for a positive future.
Thinking of you all the time