baby Spencer

If I could have made a wish list for this new baby, he is everything I would have asked for. He is perfect.
I know that every parent knows that their baby is the most beautiful thing they have ever seen; and I am no exception. Spencer Thomas has black hair and dark eyes. He was 7lbs 1ounce and almost three weeks early. He is very easy going, a good eater and a good sleeper.
If there is such a thing as compensation from God for loss I believe that Spencer being so wonderful may be part of that compensation. There will never be enough compensation in this life for the loss of my first born son but Spencer has carved out his own little part of my heart.
Right after he was born I was extremely angry. Labour hurts like crazy and I did not have any drugs with this labour or baby Steve's labour. They say that smell is the strongest sense tide to memory but I think pain comes in a close second. As my labour with Spencer progressed I felt as though I was sent back in time to my previous labour. As each of the milestone of labour passed and I could hear Spencer's heart pounding away over the monitor. I cried. My husband and nurses asked if I was in too much pain and I said no. My husband understood that I was sad about baby Steve and that reliving labour pain brought back a lot of grief and fear.
Then suddenly there he was. He cried. My husband held my hand and said "he is alive." I cuddled him tight and cried. I was so relieved to see Spencer breathing but so angry that baby Steve never cried for me. I felt guilty for allowing Steve's loss to affect my emotions around Spencer's first few hours with me.
Without intending to I caught myself comparing Steve and Spencer. I was not expecting them to look the same but I was hoping they would look enough alike that I might have some idea of what Steve would have been like as he grew up.
Over the last 9 days I have become attached to Spencer in a way that I did not get to be with Steve. Its extremely bittersweet.
I love Spencer so much.
I miss Steve.
I wish I was given the opportunity to love Steve like I get to love Spencer and Anne.