Finding myself again

I went to a meeting this morning with four other amazing ladies. We were talking about different things and one of the ladies sons has gone off to find himself. I said "I think I found myself last year." Another lady teased me and asked if I liked what I had found. I said, returning her light manner "some days more than others."
I started thinking.
In the past few days I have found myself feeling normal - my old normal, my pre-stillborn baby normal. I have felt happier and lighter than I have for a long time. I think it is a combination of different things. One more sleep. Spencer is only waking 1 or 2 times in the night to eat, instead of every 2 hours. Two is the season. It is Christmas at my house. The music is playing, the tree is up and I am feeling the spirit. Three is my children are happier. I am not sure if that is a reflection on my mood lift or if it is Spencer's age... Four Steve (daddy) is around more, he can come home for lunch a few times a week. He had a crazy October and November making up for his parental leave in September.
All of those factors aside, my pain that sits in the bottom of my heart for my baby Steve seems a little less sharp. Maybe I am just so used to it that my heart has grown around it - like a tree growing around a barb stuck in its side. Eventually an on looker won't be able to see the barb at all because the tree will have swallowed it up.
I am writing this to give some hope to those who are not as far along their grief journey. Today I feel good. I have found bits of myself again. Bits of my old happy self. I am different though. Maybe not to an onlooker but I feel older, more aware of sad things, more cautious and more grateful.
The title of my blog is trying to be grateful. I think I have finally achieved that.
I am grateful for everything I have today. I am grateful that I am feeling happy again in spite of a sadness that I will carry always.