speaking of adoption......

After my son died I wanted to die. I physically hurt from emotional pain. I thought I would never feel better. I thought the pain would never stop being incapacitating. To remind myself of what I had to live for I made a list.

Things to do while I wait to die…

5 year plan (by 33 years old)

- continue to raise my daughter

- love my husband

- try to have more children

- apply for adoption

- travel to China to pick up a daughter

- travel to Scotland to pick up Robert

- travel to the Philippines to pick up Andrew

- play in a band (*started September 2011 - I play trumpet in the Red Deer Monday Night Band)

- finish the basement (*finished November 2011)

- start sewing quilts

- write the story of my second pregnancy, the death of my first born son and resulting grief

- take my family on a trip to Utah at Christmas time

- go to the temple with my husband (*we went to the Cardston Temple in October 2011)

- start my genealogy (* started my family history in November 2011)

- put money away for my children’s college educations

- make a will (we still have to get it signed but it is done)

- finish landscaping the backyard

- participate in Anne’s schooling

10 year plan (by 38 years)

- finish having children

- attend my 20 year high school reunion

- build our “forever” house

- learn to fly a plane

- travel to Australia

- learn to scuba dive

- start working part time in something important (maybe a school?)

- invest in property

- take my family to the Caribbean

- love my husband

- continue to raise my daughter

- participate in school activities

- buy a boat

20 year plan (by 48 years)

- continue working out of the home

- take my family to Europe

- spend more time painting

- love my husband

- celebrate Anne’s 21^st birthday

30 year plan (by 58 years)

- be a good grandmother should I be blessed to have grandchildren

- attend all of my children’s important events

- consider retirement of my husband

- love my husband

- cherish my children

40 year plan (by 68 years)

- travel to Italy

- take square dance lessons with my husband

- have a greenhouse

- love my husband

- cherish my children and grandchildren

50 year plan (by 78 years)

- hope for great grand children

- do crosswords so I don’t lose my brain

60 year plan (by 88 years)

- live in a senior’s home and play lots of crib

- remember my children and their children’s names

- not be a burden on my family

70 year plan (by 98 years)

- be reunited with my first born son

- join my Celestial family

When I read this I cry. I am looking forward to everything especially the 70 year plan. It seems so far away. I know time flies. It has been almost 6 months since I lost my only son. I am looking forward to meeting him in 70 years and the rest of the family that I have been learning about through genealogy.