tired of...

I am tired of feeling sad
I am tired at people saying "i can even imagine..."
I am tired of trying to stay positive
I am tired of disappointment - over and over again
How many times does a fly bounce against a window trying to get out?
Before it gives up?
Grief feels like that.
Maybe it will be better "this time"
Maybe it will be easier "this time"
Maybe it won't be so heartbreaking "this time"

I just spent an awesome weekend with my husband's sister's family. Their son was baptized and there was a wonderful feeling present.

I had to leave though for a little while because my brother in law's brother's 5 month old baby girl was there. She seemed to be everywhere I was. I would try to go away to another part of the house and who ever was carrying her had to come and be near me. I felt like telling the person holding her (which happened to be different each time) to go away. Leave me alone. Don't you get that seeing that little baby hurts me? Don't you get that I want to be holding my little dead baby right now? Don't you get that I put in 9 months of time, labour and delivery, morning sickness, sleepless nights, increased stretch marks, engorged painful breasts and I have to sit here and wonder "why is that baby alive when mine is dead?"
And what would my baby look like right now? Well he is decomposing 6 feet underground right now. He should be fat and cute and drooling, pooping, peeing, crying but he is dead and probably just a skeleton by now.
So now you know how I feel today. Hopefully tomorrow is better.