My name is Andrea I am 28 years old. I am married and have had two children. My daughter is 2 years old this November. My son was due on June 25, 2011. He was still born on June 21, 2011. He died inside of me during my labor because of placental abruption. He died because he did not have any oxygen and because every time his heart beat he was losing blood that would not return to him. I had no warning signs during my very normal pregnancy and the autopsy of his placenta showed that his abruption was massive and acute – very large and quick. I think that I have experienced every emotion possible since this happened with anger being the most prevalent. Overwhelming sadness follows a close second.
I can’t wrap my head around this situation. It does not make any sense to me. I know the scriptures say, “Do not lean unto your own understanding, but trust in the Lord.”
However, I am or was before I left work to stay home with my daughter, a child welfare worker with the Alberta government in Canada. I worked for three and a half years investigating, removing and reunited children from and with their families. I have seen some of the saddest things possible. I held a newborn baby who was going through withdrawal from prenatal exposure to cocaine. I have apprehended children who think it is normal for adults (sometimes their parent) to beat them. I am not speaking of spanking I am talking about using excessive force resulting in bodily harm. I have seen cigarette burns on an infant girl’s legs. I have seen many teen pregnancies and mothers who have had nine children or more and they are all in government care.
My thought process is: why would Heavenly Father allow children to be born into these families alive and allow a child born into my family die? His was a family where his father is a doctor and his mother would have stayed at home to raise him, a family where his parents, sister, aunts, uncles and grandparents eagerly awaited his arrival.
Furthermore, I experience fertility issues. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in 2008. My daughter was conceived after 14 months of working through fertility testing and hormone therapy. My son was a miracle. I had just attended my obstetrician to begin another hormone treatment and found that I was pregnant. I was so grateful to be pregnant without the use of the hormone drug Clomid as it can only be used so many times. My doctor recommended no more than 10-12 cycles as the drug is linked to ovarian cancer. I have had five cycles of Clomid to date. My husband and I are trying to have another baby now. We would like our children to be close together. We have not been successful as yet.
I know that many others experience tragedy and infertility. I just wish that I did not have to deal with both. My son did not die for any reason related to my fertility issues. I cannot understand why Heavenly Father would allow him to die and have me deal with heartbreaking infertility.
I know life is not fair and we all are here to be tested. I have so much. I have a beautiful home, two cars in the garage, and more than sufficient money in my bank account. I would trade it all for my son. He was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. He looked like my Daddy. I miss him so much it physically hurts. I know I can be with him again but I have to wait and waiting hurts.
Andrea, I'm so grateful that you are using writing to grieve and write what you feel. I think it will especially help people understand what you're going through. Jenny told me that you guys were able to talk a while ago. I remember after Oliver died her saying that she felt it was slightly helpful to read others thoughts who were going through the same thing (much like your blog). It helped her feel okay about feeling certain things and coping. I know each persons struggle with this is different. I just hope it was helpful to talk to someone who understands. I think a lot of people will be able to relate to what you have to say. And I hope it will be therapudic for you as well. I have wondered many of the same things as you, about why children are born into awful circumstances and not into good ones. It makes me sad.
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