I tried to get a headstone for my son right away. I was not ready at all and I ended up firing my headstone guy because he said some stupid things.
Yesterday I went again to a different place that sells grave markers. I went by myself and told them exactly what I wanted. I had to go get a comfort drink after.
She sent me the proof today and it is perfect.
I NEVER want to do this again. I never want to buy a tombstone for a child.
I know I am getting better because I can feel happiness and hope coming back into my thoughts. But when I have to acknowledge his death all of the sadness floods back. I know I am getting stronger because I am not debilitated for as long. But the force of the sadness slamming into my heart is just as intense as ever -even if it does not last as long.
I'm sorry to say that I don't think it ever completely heals... and this is 3 years talking here. You'll think you're completely okay... someone will ask you about it, and you'll try to act fine, and then you'll suddenly see yourself sobbing your eyes out. I'm glad you're finally starting to feel that happiness again though... I know it probably felt like it would never happen.
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier, but like Jenny said it never goes away. Nine years it's been for us and the pain is still there. My eyes are ready to cry and my heart is ready to break at any moment that I think about her, or anyone else who knows our pain. In one of your other posts you spoke about feeling the pain for another mom you didn't know, who had lost their baby, that too will never go away. Knowing both you and Jenny when you lost your babies caused me a lot of pain, not because it hurt me, but because I never wanted it to happen again, and to see it happening to you two wonderful ladies, knowing how much it hurts, and how much you didn't deserve it, is what bothered me the most. Andrea you may not think it now, but you are doing great. The small fact that you can voice your thoughts, and feelings, and reconize them is a big step. Also I see you doing many small things that all help in the healing, like holding newborns. No one just wakes up one day feeling normal after a trial such as this, but slowly and surely the small things add up and life carries on, and you'll see just how much you've improved. Much love to you, and Jenny!
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